Thursday, June 1

the emotional bitchy self is here. get your shit together dear self. you yourself is important.

Monday, May 22

hujan di dalam kamar.

7 tahun lepas hari ini, aku sudah bulatkan tekad untuk merantau ke tanah orang; untuk sambung Asasi Sains di Puncak Alam. Petang ini flight aku ke semenanjung, dan abang aku yang kedua akan sambut aku di KLIA sana. Aku masih ingat petang hari itu yang mendung. Awan hitam yang menandakan kandungan awan sudah sendat. Beberapa lama kemudian, awan bakal tenat dan akan diikuti dengan tanah kering yang dibasahi hujan lebat yang membawa rahmat.

Dan petang itu, pertama kali aku lerai air mata ke pipi, dalam dakap ibuku. Dan barangkali itu juga dakap pertamaku setelah berbelas tahun di samping ibuku.

Hujan lebat telah tiba terlebih dahulu, di dalam kamar rumahku.

Friday, May 19

26.

1. I wear spectacles since I was 8 years old. I remember that my brother and I always wore my dad's specs bcs we kinda fancied the view when the floor suddenly became all hills and grooves. the next thing we knew, each of us had ours at the very young age. probably it's in the the gene (it runs in the whole family, except my eldest brother) or thanks to our curious young selves.

2. after 17 years 'experiencing' myopic eyes - that not a single day I could live without my corrective lens - I am now specs-free. I underwent my LASIK eyes surgery last March. as a birthday present, maybe.

3. I think my favorite color is blue.

4. the first novel I ever read was Thanks For The Memories by Cecelia Ahern. I was not much of a novel reader back then. not until I was a bored SPM leaver.

5. I did a part-time job as a promoter for a clothing company while waiting for my SPM results. a 9-5 job with oh-not-so-bad income.

6. Khalid, Naz, Dayang, Hamidun. I can't believe I still remember these names! they were always my good company and also the reason why I loved doing that part-time job. I wonder how they're doing.

7. I always hated home. but growing up studying in a boarding school and overseas, and realizing that my parents are getting older, home is the place I always long for.

8. I am not a sport person.

9. but I love long distance running, I guess so.

10. not that it is Islamic-ally acceptable but if I were to have a tattoo on my body, which obviously will stay forever on me, probably I will want it to be the deepest quote I could ever think of or maybe a short poem. welp idk. but for whatever it is, I just want it to be something meaningful, not just cool.

11. I love to sleep. like who doesn't, right? the longest, the better.

12. I think I'm the person who claims to be a coffee lover but the kind of coffee I ever tried is just basic... or instant. like... y'know... just basic.

13. I went to a boarding school. I still remember wearing a black round-neck shirt and my pants during the enrollment day. it's not allowed to wear a round-neck shirt though. so I wore my sweater during the whole orientation week... and a collared shirt from my roommate bcs I didn't freaking have collared shirts...

14. the most favorite part of my childhood would probably be having my young brother as my friend. we're only a year gap difference. but really I didn't have that much friends when I was a kid.

15. when I was 15, I kept a journal. it was the second that I had after the one that I kept when I was 12. oh boy, I really poured my heart out, wasn't I?

16. I made a birthday card from scratch for my crush when I was in standard six. and one day, I decided to confess to that person via writing, on a piece of love-shaped paper. probably one of the bad decisions I ever made, but I'm glad I did it.

16.1. bad decision as in 'I was plainly got rejected'.

16.2. ...turned out, I got rejected because the person knew that someone had a crush on me. oh my god, kids. why are we so naive?

17. the first formal interview I had was when I was a kid. this one was for the sekolah berasrama penuh thing. I hated being abroad, so I flunked the interview. on purpose or not, I can't tell. bcs I was so sucks at that time. and the only question that I got was, "apa ko buat kalau ko tiba-tiba sesat?". clearly, I wasn't that ready to be parted from my parents.

18. the first movie that I watched in cinema was Heart, with my sister and female cousin. it's a 2006 Indonesian film. don't judge me, I'm such a sentimental and emotional bitch. its theme song was basically the theme song for me and my best friend, Datu. a thirteen-year-old friendship, growing and getting strong.

19. so random but just so you know, I never get an A in the regular English exams back in high school except for PMR & SPM. hah! highest I could get is a B+. I did work my ass out to perfect my English up until now and it's still sucks, as you can see. also that's why I chose an English novel in point #4.

20. my family will always have a cat as a pet. but there's one that we loved the most and we called it Tebe'. rest in peace, Tebe' (2010-2015).

21. whenever I am testing the pen's ink, I'll write the letter 'R'. I don't know why.

22. I was in all different classes when I was in high school. Mutiara, Delima, Berlian, Nilam, and then Zamrud. I planned mine just for the fifth one. also, a bad decision. I was that hardworking ass kiddo that was surrounded by naturally talented kids and geniuses. basically I literally died trying to keep up. if I were to go back to that time, I want meself to just calm my shit down. I got no one to prove wrong to. though I have that typical Asian parents, yet they still love me even if I failed, tremendously.

23. I used to have an abusive brother. I don't think I ever told this to anyone but only a few of my friends. this was when I was a kid, at a tender age where I couldn't protect myself. also this is one of the reasons for the point #7. now that I am this old enough, it's never a problem to me. soon I realized, I am the one who needs to protect my family. but that is not the case for now, 'cause that abusive brother then is an 'abused' brother now. past is past. in fact, he is now in need of us as a family, a system that can give the utmost support he could ever get. I still remember he said he  wanted to end his life because he couldn't stand it anymore, and it really breaks my heart -- to a million pieces. I love you, Abang.

24. can't believe that I actually finished with med school. I'm now officially a (unregistered) doctor. but for the time being, I'm hopeless and jobless.

25. I can curl my tongue.

26. and here is currently one of my favorites:

Monday, May 15

silence is.

silence is
not you losing a word,
rather it is an emotion.

silence is
having the solitude to be awakened by the sun rays
landing on your cheeks early in the morning
without an alarm clock.

silence is
listening to the swirling voice at the back of your head
about the things you shouldn't do, or should've done
basically, regretting things.

silence is
trying to collect and compose your self back to its old shape
after only god knows how many times you shattered
and it feels like destructing.

silence is
struggling to put out a wildfire with a handful of gasoline
because your heart is no longer a spongy muscle
that oozes harmony.

silence is
secretly hoping a storm of black clouds right above your head
so you can insert your body plug to the cloud socket
connecting all your emotions
so you can pour them out.

Monday, May 1

novo amor.

perhaps not that we're afraid to admit, but to commit
it has been difficult ever since day one, but the pain is beautiful
I wish it had been easy for us, but again we've chosen a challenging trail
--but I choose to stay if, you too, choose to stay.

away from this world, if that would make it easy for us
roaming around the space, wherever love has no limits
illuminates us both, in the dim of doubts & all oddness
--forever I choose to stay if, you too, choose to stay.

but back to square one, are you ready to admit or -- better yet -- to commit?

'cause I can't wait to find out.