lost.

Why do I feel so alone in this journey?

5 days to go before our program induksi, and suddenly I feel so not ready. It feels like something is eating me up inside and biting every piece of fiber in me.

Less than 2 weeks after, I'll be starting my job as a junior doctor. It took me few days to finally get myself composed after I got my placement and since then I was so accepting of the fact that, "I am now a government servant and my number one job is to save people's lives".

But now I am left with 5 more days and suddenly I'm stuck with some part during the process of completing my forms that I need to submit when I lapor diri. Like, is this a sign? If this is a sign then what should I do with this information? How should I react? How should I process with this kind of situation?

Clearly I'm lost.
I am so lost.

But when you're lost then that is the point where you need to seek for help. You need to have your plan B. This is a very critical moment, all I need is to not be distracted far away from my main focus.

I have plans for each day towards the day of induksi but because of this one thing, I can't proceed of what next in the list.

I just hope that this is not a bad sign after all.

Maybe it's one of those little things--troublesome--and the main reason of its existence is to train me on how I would handle such situation and would I be ever to cope with the pressure that comes hand in hand with it.

O Lord, guide me out from this confusion.
O Lord, ease my journey.

"2017 was just another year."

I think it's one of the best years I ever had so far. Or maybe not best, just not bad. Not entirely, just a portion of it. I am grateful because some of those memories are not just some typical Kodak moments. They're special apropos the opportunity to share the memories with my loved ones. What the parts of me are the parts of them. What theirs, mine.

But to get through the whole 365 days was not easy. It was a roller-coaster ride. I love roller-coaster, heck yeah. Unfortunately there were days that felt like an endless ride and it made me sick, terribly. My self confidence hit rock bottom. My anxiety messed up. And when these two happen and you can't function well, bad things happen.

2017 was that. Worrying that life is becoming upside down when in fact life is just ephemeral. I always forget that, every single time.

It's a new book now. Let's not make it "just another year". If I ever learned anything in 2017, probably these:

- You're responsible for your own happiness
- Embrace your weaknesses
- Love yourself enough
- The best way to have an argument is with an open heart
- Be kind, always
- When you start comparing yourself to other people, that is the sign that you need to reflect upon yourself and count your blessings
- We are not perfect but we can work on things to achieve perfection. Practice makes perfect. And sometimes it's not about repetition, it is about persistence
- The first step is always the hardest. Never discard every little achievement you've made. It's something to be proud of
- Never fall out of love

So 2017 was NOT just another year. It was another self discovery I had encountered and I am grateful for that.

Me: Here's your catch! Act cool, don't be desperate. Be passionate!

Also me: *acts completely the opposite*

So cute meself.

the emotional bitchy self is here. get your shit together dear self. you yourself is important.

hujan di dalam kamar.

7 tahun lepas hari ini, aku sudah bulatkan tekad untuk merantau ke tanah orang; untuk sambung Asasi Sains di Puncak Alam. Petang ini flight aku ke semenanjung, dan abang aku yang kedua akan sambut aku di KLIA sana. Aku masih ingat petang hari itu yang mendung. Awan hitam yang menandakan kandungan awan sudah sendat. Beberapa lama kemudian, awan bakal tenat dan akan diikuti dengan tanah kering yang dibasahi hujan lebat yang membawa rahmat.

Dan petang itu, pertama kali aku lerai air mata ke pipi, dalam dakap ibuku. Dan barangkali itu juga dakap pertamaku setelah berbelas tahun di samping ibuku.

Hujan lebat telah tiba terlebih dahulu, di dalam kamar rumahku.